How often have I forgotten to look to you Lord?
I may never know the exact number, but I know it's more than I can count. For many years I didn't look to you, I turned away from you. I thought I was searching for me, reading all my books and "knowing" all the answers.
But those answers didn't save me from my sadness. My books on philosophy didn't cure my loneliness. All those things did was make me proud...
but proud of what?
I remember many nights of crying, many sleepless nights living in fear and shame. I recall many days wandering aimlessly, searching for something healing, somebody to treat my wounds.
And when all else failed, when life crumbled around me and the dust settled, all I saw was You.
Why is it that we turn to You only when things get really bad? Why do we cry to You when our world is in turmoil but forget to thank You when things get better?
Why did I forget You so much?
Now I can't seem to get You out of my mind, not that I even want to. Now, every book I want to read is The Word you've given me and every answer to all questions is Your Name. You have cured my loneliness, my sadness, you've wrapped my wounds.
I still need healing...big time, but the process has started. I am still grieving over who I was, who I almost could've still been. I look at all You've done and all You do and it makes me sad that I didn't see You sooner. So many things could've been different, I could've been smiling a long time ago, but I know that even the timing is Your Will so forgive me for even questioning that. In the end, You have allowed me to be here with You right now, and for that I will never stop praising Your Name.
Keep healing me Heavenly Father. Keep me prayerful, keep me humble and open my eyes to your glory. Even on those days, when my mind flashes back to the past, help me to remember that You've never left my side and that You are still here.
My old self died. I must admit, that wasn't easy to write because it's so easy to hold on to the only life you know and it's scary to walk into the unknown.
But since You've conquered the world, I'm walking with You. I'm being reborn in You. That makes me feel so good, relieved, at ease.
I wish some of you truly knew what my heart spoke of before and what stories it tells now. I owe it all to Jesus.