Call it what you want; fed-up, impatient, frustrated, annoyed, irked, provoked, disgusted, infuriated, exasperated, vexed, cross...
I'm angry because I am not satisfied with life's outcome. I'm unsatisfied at Naya for making a mess. I'm unsatisfied when Liani moves like a snail in the morning. I'm unsatisfied when Zaes has a devil-may-care attitude with his sisters. I'm unsatisfied when my husband doesn't listen to me. I'm unsatisfied when we're low on money. I'm unsatisfied when I am placed in the position to go above and beyond. I'm unsatisfied when my day has gone by and I accomplished what I feel is nothing. I'm unsatisfied when I can't sit still to pray. I'm unsatisfied when I've got a pile of laundry to fold. I'm unsatisfied when Liani stumbles on her homework. I'm unsatisfied when Naya screams really loud at Mass. I'm unsatisfied when Zaes tells me lies. I'm unsatisfied when people challenge my religion and spirituality. I'm unsatisfied when I challenge my own religion and spirituality. I'm unsatisfied with my past. I'm unsatisfied with my lack of courage. I'm unsatisfied that I keep sinning. I'm unsatisfied with my lack of motivation. I'm unsatisfied when I don't get it. I'm unsatisfied when I'm unsatisfied.
In all these instances, and more, I'm sure, I am completely unhappy, quick to anger, ready to SNAP.
I've yet to accept my life. I've yet to truly understand that these are not punishments for my past. I've yet to see how much God has really blessed me. My heart has been feeling bad for so long that I don't know how to recognize good anymore, within and around me. Instead of delighting in the wonderful things, I am shedding a painful tear. Although God has forgiven me, I'm still in need of healing. I have way too many scars and open wounds.
And I'm carrying them all in bags of anger, self-pity and sadness.
And I'm not sure I'm doing what needs to be done to get rid of them.
Or maybe, just maybe, God wants me to wear my scars? Wear them like a robe full of encrusted jewels, their shine reflecting His glory?
Because it is only due to Him that I am forgiven and can be healed. It is only through Jesus that I can walk around and say, I too have suffered in this way and God saved me. I too know how you feel, yet God is helping me to rise.
What troubles me is not worth anything. It's the glory of God in my life that is priceless. It is His scarred hands that are worth more than ten thousand elements of my past. These bags are heavy, but He's helping me to let them go, to let self go. I don't need them anymore, I don't need to nurture these problems. I need Him to nurse me back to health.
But in order for me to recognize this, I need to be thankful. I mean really be thankful. I need to thank Him for all the good in my life, as well as the bad, for all the convenient and the inconvenient, for all the joyful moments as well as the sufferings. If I don't recognize the lessons, His message, His glory behind the bad, then how can I be open to see the good.
Because He has given me more than good. I just don't see it sometimes because the past has placed hazy film on my eyes. My vision is blurred, my eyes are crossed.
There it goes again. The cross. The worst of all symbols and the best of them. It is on the cross that He dies, but on that cross He triumphs. Because of that cross He lives.
Lent isn't done and I've been dragging this cross. My head is hung low, my limbs have grown weary, but with all the victory waiting for me at the end, I should keep it moving. Because on this cross I hope to die...
and live anew for Christ.