Friday, January 14, 2011

Whirlpools and Headlights

Sometimes life puts us in a whirlpool. We spin and spin, watching the same scene go by, flailing our arms and kicking our legs to try not to go down, only those movements we make are only bringing us further into the vortex. We fight, we panic, we cry for help but a force greater than us is pulling us closer to our impending doom, to nothingness, to black. So we think...

There's this song that's been running through my mind for weeks. TCM (Tuner Classic Movies) channel always creates a tribute of all the actors, directors and many important Hollywood figures who've passed away that year. It's a beautiful montage of their images with a melancholic song playing in the background. They always manage to make me cry. Last year's tribute included a haunting tune by an artist named Sophie Hunger called Headlights. The song has stayed in my mind for weeks. I've shared the video of the tribute along with lyrics below but first...I want to explain why this song haunts me so.

How many times have you been in love? How many times have we obsessed over this feeling with someone? Have you ever fallen in love with the notion, the idea of someone loving you back? Did you submit yourselves to making sure they were happy, making sure that they knew how much you cared? How many times did they let you down and yet you made excuses after excuses to be able to feel that feeling of being loved again? Did you dance around with the feeling for a long time only to find that you weren't loved back, that it was never reciprocated? Maybe they did love you, but not in the way you expected? Did your world come crashing down around you when things went sour?

Did you do this to yourself more than once?

For a long time I ran with the notion that love was only real when it hurt. Easy love didn't exist. I always had to leave a piece of myself to get the love I wanted. If things weren't working, then here, take a little more of me. Relationships were like a drug to me. I was addicted to them. Some relationships were brutal, filled with conflict and battle. Others were more passive aggressive, quiet and calm but with a storm always on the horizon. When things didn't work out, when there was a struggle, I automatically blamed myself. I just didn't give enough.

I'm not just talking about relationships between a man and a woman. I'm talking all kinds; my mother, my father, my boyfriends, my friends. My love addiction took many shapes and forms. It distorted itself to whatever it needed to look like, whatever was appropriate. People use to compliment my relationships all the time. I used to hear things like "You guys are perfect for each other." They'd admire how well I got a long with people and I did get along with everyone. I am the master shape shifter. I've learned to please everyone I meet. How else will they like me, accept me?

This all doesn't sound right, does it? Is love supposed to be so harsh, so dramatic, so one-sided? Is love so selfish? Is it so abusive?

When we wake up from the love trance, how often do we realize what just happened? Sometimes, still high from the last relationship I would stumble into to the next, worsening my condition and making myself believe that this time will work. Believing real hard that things will get better.

But they didn't.

They got worse.

I got worse over time. Like I said before, I became empty. And what do people do with an empty vessel? They throw it away, or if they're kind they'll recycle you, but into something different. Nothing is ever the same twice.

Okay, Ivy. Since you're on this Jesus kick what does this have to do with Him?

Well folks, what doesn't. Remember the whirlpool I mentioned earlier? That scary freak of nature pulling you into the unknown? You panic because the world around you is drowning and you along with it. You can't even see the end, yet you know it will. You think at that moment that you're dying, but that's really Him, trying to save your life. Jesus sucks all of it in, takes all of the mess, pulls you into nothingness, into black, so that you can start over. He breaths in new life, in hopes that instead of going back to your addiction, you turn to him for salvation. He provides the finale, that final note at the end of a song, the period at the end of a sentence so that we can start anew. Jesus respects our choices. He allows us to choose. He hopes we choose Him, but when we don't, He waits and continues to save us until we do. Some people don't have faith that Jesus can save. It's hard to fathom a human from ancient times being able to help me now. But see, what He did for us, the teachings He left us so long ago does help us now. It reminds us that through Him we can overcome anything.

“These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world." -John 16:33

Jesus overcame the world so that when we cry out to him in our own despair He can tells us, "I know how you feel. Let me help you rise." Our God, the man above, that can create a world with the snap of His fingers is telling me He understands my pain. He allowed Himself to suffer so that He can say that to me and so that I will know it to be true. How could you not believe in that?

Here's the song. The image on the video is jarring, I know. I think it's her album cover. Nevertheless, it is telling of that desperateness one feels when you're emptied of all you have. You may interpret it differently than I did. All in all, I think we've all gotten caught in headlights one time or another and that bright deceiving light can take us on a journey where we hope to be uplifted. Lyrics underneath:




You told your tales with pictures
I tried to make it seem good
I borrowed the heart of a preacher
And believed as hard as I could

You don't know how much I worked there
You don't know the risk I took
You hardly, hardly saw me
Behind the mirror round my neck

Caught in your Headlights
I had to close my eyes
Caught in your Headlights
I had so little time
Caught in your Headlights
I couldn't turn back
I was never myself
I was you
I forgot

You sold your smiles untroubled
Your light was on every face
You were too young to know that it mattered
That every time someone must pay

I bought your every word then
I didn't have my side
I was too old to learn my first lesson
So I dance with tied hands in mind

Caught in your Headlights
I had to close my eyes
Caught in your Headlights
I had so little time
Caught in your Headlights
I couldn't turn back
I was never myself
I was you
I forgot


If you want to see the TCM tribute click here.


God bless!

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