Everlasting Sin

Tonight is not a good night for me. I'm feeling very weak and vulnerable. I did something stupid and my conscious is reminding me of it, in the worst way.

Truly we are guilty concerning our brother, because we saw the distress of his soul when he pleaded with us, yet we would not listen; therefore this distress has come upon us.

—Genesis 42:15

This is the first thing Joseph's brothers thought when he began to treat them harshly in Egypt. Although their intentions weren't to sin, but to feed their families back home, Joseph's brothers carried that sin of long ago like a badge and immediately felt they were being punished for it now.

They felt guilt, shame and scared. The byproduct of sinning is just that. The sin comes and goes but it leaves behind a messy trail in your heart and soul. The residue of sin doesn't let you rest until you confess to God whole-heartedly and ask for His forgiveness.

In my eyes, we should beg, but as long as we truly feel sorry in our hearts that we've hurt Him then He forgives and forgets.

As simple as that seems, it's really hard for us to admit when we're wrong, or when we messed up. I know for me, every time I sinned I'd end up punishing myself. I was too ashamed to even speak God's holy name. I felt I didn't deserve to be forgiven and so I would turn against myself.

and the prayer offered in faith will restore the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up,

and if he has committed sins, they will be forgiven him.

—James 5:15

I needed healing then. I still do. I have moments when I regress back to that "angry at myself" state. I'm nowhere near what I use to be, but it still hurts nonetheless. Nowadays, when I do sin, it not only makes me feel horrible, it makes me more aware of how much I am hurting God.

I am a work in progress. I now walk a much better path, but it doesn't necessarily mean I am perfect. I'm trying my best and I know God sees that.

God bless!