It's not easy to always look at things, do things, be a certain way without seeing the struggle, feeling the push-and-pull of it.
In a perfect world I would never scream at my children, I would not be lazy and watch the day float by. I will never complain, I would always be prayerful, read more scripture, not be so angry, not be so tempted. In a perfect world I would be perfect.
And in the moment that just passed, I would not have thought of myself. I would have removed the me shell I cover myself in. I would've stepped out, become more like Him. I would've been calm, collected, but the scared look on her face showed me that I didn't take that route. I went backwards.
I'm still angry. I've yet to calm down, but in the middle of this raging fire, I ask myself why. Why do I chose to react certain ways? Why do I constantly do thing I hate to do? When will I learn to be different? Anger isn't part of me. Impatience isn't who I am. Irritability is not what makes me. So why do I become these qualities anyway?
I yelled at Liani over a stapler.
Who cares about a dumb old stapler? But I made it out to be more precious than her feelings, than her security. A stupid, plastic stapler and I yelled as if she were...I don't even know a reason valid enough to yell at her the way I did. Isn't that sad?
Sometimes I sit here, after they are in bed, I sit here and ask Him why did I get the kids that behave the worst? Why did I have to be given the kids that don't listen, that like to test me constantly, that don't do what I say? I don't have that kind of patience, that stamina to withstand a day full of reining in strong-willed kids. I don't have what it takes to raise these two girls without getting angry, upset.
Some people have that attitude, that greatness to them that kids just love, they gravitate to. Their kids behave. Is it the parent or is it the kid?
Is it my girls God, or is it me?
It's gotta be me, because what do they know about behaving or misbehaving. I'm the one messing up a situation that could've gone another way.
Liani messes up the stapler. Instead of yelling, I could have shown her how to fix it, that way she would know how to use it and know what to do if something went wrong.
And I suggested today that for the next two weeks we just STOP. Maybe say, What would Jesus do? (WWJD), reassess the situation and create a better outcome. I remember thinking about this very idea this morning, how we must be creators, not reactors. We must create a WWJD moment instead of reacting to what's been handed to us.
STOP, WWJD, then let Him help you create.
First we have to STOP and that's a difficult step seeing how us humans, especially moms, are so impulsive, we instinctually react to any given situation. But the stopping is a crucial step. If we don't STOP then the rest can't happen. We won't give it to God and allow Him to recreate the moment for us. If we don't STOP, we chose our haphazard methods of reacting that only make us feel worse. These are the moments I think about when I am next to go for Reconciliation.
If only I gave the situation to Him. Then a new situation would've been created. I would not have done it the wrong way, my way.
So here's to reminding myself of the mission to STOP.
On that note,
169. I thank God for allowing that situation to happen so that I can be reminded that I promised myself I would STOP.