I'm so sorry.
I've harbored anger. I've been rewinding past hurts and reinventing the glory. I've bandaged up the infestation. I've set up a mirror to reflect me at every turn. I've become the idol. I've turned off the lights and kept secrets. I've envied, I've spoken falsely, I've stolen a reputation or two, I've dishonored. I'm hurting Him, deeply, with every Not You, Me! I shout.
I'm so very sorry.
All these crimes in just a few short moments, seconds, and I may have ruined our good relationship Lord, one of the best, in fact. How easy it was to trip and fall and how difficult it is now to get up, knowing, seeing that this was what would happen.
Why do we do this God? Why do we constantly mess up? Why, if we say we love You, do we fail to please You? What is it about us, about You that we find so unsatisfying? Why can't we be grateful, be filled, make You enough?
Where is that part of me that seeks failure? Where, so I can yank it out? Where is it so that I can trash it, burn it, destroy it? It makes me vulnerable to evil. It makes me blind, mute. It covers my heart in darkness. Where, in me, does it lie so that I can terminate it? It keeps me so far from You and I hate it.
Then again, I know that You are always present, even in these tumultuous moments, where my heart can't take it anymore. I want to be good. I want to please You and make You happy of me. I want to honor You and praise You, be thankful, forgiving of others, loving. I want to do all things good in Your name. I never want to look back and be filled with anger, sorrow and fear. I want to be confidant in You, not anxious in me. I want to be cleansed.
I want to start over. Start from day one. I wish I remembered You when I became. I wish I grew up with You, listened to You, kept You near. I wish that things could've been different, that I could've acted differently. I wish that now, as I say, time and time again, that I know You and love You, that my behavior didn't speak so differently. I struggle and although I know You are not finished, I struggle with the healing process.
I'm focusing too much on what still hurts.
I'm not looking at what's been restored. I'm not looking Lord. I'm not feeling.
I'm still hurting. I'm still limping around, wrapped up and less functional still, but my heart Lord, my heart is beating again. My lungs are courageously inhaling and exhaling. My faith, my life in You has been rehabilitated. Inside I am working, still in need, but furiously working, so much that tears pour out my eyes. Inside I don't want to lose You. Brittle and broken on the outside, but I know You're working on the more important scars.
Because faith is what brought the tenth leper back to say Thank You and that day You healed his spirit too. My spirit teams with open sores and bloody wounds and like the leper, I've been at the roadside, hoping, pleading with the passing days, years, for a miracle, a cure. And I've spoken about You picking me up, tossing me the keys, removing me from my prison.
Faith. Believing in God and waiting in hope and confidence in His promises. Believing in Jesus as the Son of God, who was sent to die so that we can be forgiven and then raised from the dead to show the glory of God.
My body may be weak, my mind ignorant, my heart a tearful mess, but my faith, my belief in You is healthy, alive and ready. This body, these organs, they can go, they will go, but my spirit is Yours God. It yearns for You, it seeks You, it aims to please You, it bows down in Your presence, it whispers Your Name which in itself is the sweetest whisper. My eyes may see a desert, empty of life, scorched by the heat, void of any life-giving water, but my soul can feel Your spirit and in this feeling is a hope in Your vow of ever-lasting life in Your Kingdom.
For that, I say thanks.