Sunday, February 6, 2011

Feelings of Inadequacy

Where is my humility when I need it?

Perhaps because of the way I was raised, or my experiences in life, I've never been very confident in myself. I feel I fall short in all I do and then I wonder why did I attempt it in the first place. I struggle with this ALL the time.

I was told once that my perception of myself is extremely distorted. I can't tell you if that's true or not. I don't see a really good me. I keep seeing someone who is in constant need of improvement.


This life is full of surprises though. Just when you think you're down and all is lost, here comes that tiny window of opportunity and for some reason I've always managed to jump in. I win, for a little bit, but life is also like a parade, it begins and then it ends.

And it'll begin again next year.


If it doesn't rain.

God made good on all his promises to Israel. I've made some unspoken promises that I would love to fulfill. I'm in training let's just say. I've yet to reach my full potential. I'm under construction.

At least that is what I hope.

I keep thinking about after Jesus getting baptized. He went off into the desert to battle Satan. It makes me wonder if at this moment, at this entryway into great things, is Satan using my insecurities to tempt me? Am I being bamboozled by the devil? Or are these things about me absolutely true?

Jesus, if I've just been hijacked, whether by my own uncertainties, or Satan himself, save me! I don't feel right. Keep my eyes on You because if I lose sight of You I will surely die. And I am truly scared of what's to come. I don't know what it will make of me, or of anybody else for that matter. Moses had his simple staff, but he didn't have You and I do. Keep me humble. Let Your Word create a path for me. Let Your love be that light in the dark. Let Your death and resurrection be the oasis in the midst of all this sand. I'm in need of Your presence my Lord.

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