Miraculous Views

Deuteronomy 4:32-40
Psalm77:12-16, 21
Matthew 16:24-28

Ever see a city from the small window of an airplane? You feel special being able to see this small portion of the world in bird's eye view. From this tiny porthole of a window you can see whole cities, landscapes, lights, all the life of the world below. For a moment you wish you can have this view forever, but how good it feels to be able to plant one's feet on the ground, your heart finally in its resting place because although having a special view of the world from the plane, this human perspective of the world feel normal, static. Point is that our normal view is very limited as opposed to the ariel view. From afar, you can see things as they really are, see more of them. From close we can only see what's in our visual range. The same goes for the heart.

In the eye of a hurricane, it's very hard to see, very difficult to asses the situation. So why does God give us such a limited view?

In those small range perspectives we are left with no choice but to trust that what we don't see is still there. In those cloudy moments, windy climates, dark heavy rainfall it's hard to see that Our Lord is still hard at work. We can only trust that His diligent Hands are working to save us, to later repair the damage from the onslaught of life's most tumultuous events.

Today's readings focuses on how ever present the Lord has been and will be. Even in those times when the Israelites felt they'd never get out of Egypt alive, or when the apostles learn that their beloved Teacher will soon leave them, God wanted them and us to remember that He's been there before, and He will continue to be there until the last day. However, in order for us to see this, we must recognize His works in our lives. We can't forget, or take for granted the miracles He's done for us as individuals. We must live our lives for Him, lest we lose it. We may gain the world and all its glittery things, but we will lose our souls. Jesus wants us to live with Him forever, but He won't be forceful. We have to hand this life over to Him willingly. In the meantime, He'll continue to mercifully perform miracles for us, to show us who He is and how much He loves us.

Perhaps we've never heard His voice through a burning bush, or seen His guiding presence in a cloud above. We've not yet given the opportunity to touch His wounds and see His face. But we are witnesses to His miracles even today. So Lord Jesus, here is a small list of miracles that showed me how present You have been, even in those moments when my view was so very, very small.

1. You were there when I was on that operating table, and beside me when I recovered.
2. You were there when I was depressed and you presented me with a piano.
3. You were right next to me during those labor pains and births of my girls.
4. You walked with me on those late nights when I had nothing but quiet, desolate streets ahead of me coming home.
5. You were with me during the many times when I found it difficult to breath.
6. You were with me on the subway when I thought my heart would explode from anxiety.
7. You were with me when I grieved for my lost loved ones and gave me pen and paper to release my pain.
8. You were with me on the many occasions of rejection by the ones I love the most.
9. You held up the cue cards when I needed to defend myself against others.
10. You held down my hands during those moments when I felt I couldn't take any more of this life.
11. You whispered the strength into my heart when I needed to let go of my sins.
12. You spoke guidance into my ears when my neighbor tried to take advantage of my situation.
13. You've given me wisdom during those dark hours where I was needed by others.

Jesus, the list goes on and on, but I know now that in these very scary moments You did all You can to bring me here today to recognize Your glory. I am and always will be eternally grateful and eternally Yours.

God bless!

Still: A 5 minute writing exercise

What a mess my life. There I was sitting in clothes just pissed on by my youngest, my oldest talking my ear off and I felt like a dragon with smoke coming out of my ears. It was only 8:30 in the morning but if this is how the day would proceed than Lord help me to calm down right now. It's good to know that I can call on Him at anytime but in the end, I know He depends on me to do the right thing.

The right thing. What is that? I just had a small discussion about how important politics can or cannot be. I just read an email about a university putting on a play that portrays Our Blessed Mother as a lesbian. And I think about how similar politics and religion are. Am I being too lackadaisical about the issues? Is that what's going on here? What about just living for God? What about leaving all the radical world behind and be radical about God? Be radical about the Man who rose from the dead and how we are saved because of this radical Lord who is just so in love with us He will stop at nothing to show us.

And I always "mistakenly" type god when I mean to write good. I guess they both mean the same thing. Amen.

Gasping For Air: How God's Big Gifts Can Go Unnoticed

Dear God,

Since when did parenting become such an uphill battle?

Since when do I scream and yet nobody wants to hear me?

Since when do the people in your life become so numb to one's feelings?

Since when did I become so numb to my own children's cries?

I figure if no one alive is willing to understand me, I know you will.

So how do I turn these stressful moments into beauty?

Every night, I toss and turn, gasping for air. I can't breath right any more. I'm congested with anxiety, anger. I'm clogged, already too full of all that I have to suppress throughout the day, trying to escape me every night. It's nightmarish, the fight to just breath. Such an easy thing, we do it so often we don't even notice it, until we can't do it anymore.

My days are to demanding to even think of rest and at night, my only opportunity to breath has been taken from me.

So God, dear God, how? How do I turn these scary moments into beauty?

Because I feel tapped out.

I'm beginning to feel depleted emotionally and physically. When the day ends I can't even crawl in bed to pray. I have to medicate and cough until some air can enter my lungs. I exhaust myself to sleep, only to wake up to a crying toddler. It pains me that even in a moment of refuge, all I am doing is begging you, pleading for some kind of help. Change me God, change me if I am to blame. Ease the situation for a few seconds to catch some air, to grab a sliver of sanity, to ask Mother Mary how she did it, what do I do?

So here is my moment. This is me up on my cross. Some may pass me by and say, "Deal with it," and I am, in a very bad way.

This is my little/big moment of suffering, where all I can do is go through it in hopes that I can either ride out my sentence in love and forgiveness or fight to remove myself from a situation my very own limbs have been nailed to.

I read somewhere that while on the cross Jesus gasped for air, suffered collapsed lungs, carbon dioxide increase, oxygen decrease, only able to say very little for lack of air and the inability to inhale and exhale due to the position His body was in.

How spiritual, how holy it is to really suffer just a touch of what Our Lord suffered. How He tasted our humanity to be able to comprehend our failures, our afflictions, our fears. To come down and endure human birth to human death, to be able to gently draw us closer to Him, to rest in His arms, to cry on His shoulders.

To know what it is like.

Just to know what it is like and drink it all in for us.

And we live in small worlds where our own know but won't acknowledge, don't care, are too afraid to help, are tired of helping. To pass pain by and pretend like you never heard it, seen it. A cry to deaf ears, a heavy silence after the loud scream, and all of us at one point in our lives have covered our ears and closed our eyes and kept walking.

But Jesus hears even the most silent of cries, the most distant. He heard Zaccheaus' need for a change of heart and Jesus invited Himself in. He heard Mary and Martha's tears for Lazarus and He decided to heed their pain with glory. Even in His debilitated state He heard the pleas of a thief on the cross and gave him the promise of eternal life in heaven.

So Jesus, I ask you now to help me in my time of need. Calm me down, Help me to see what it is You want me to do. You know that I alone won't prevail, but with You in the forefront I can't lose. If You remain in front of me I can't succumb to this situation. I can suffer like You did. Take in all that is going on and find the glory You always know how to insert into every situation. If at the end of the day, I lose all I have, I lose nothing if You live in my heart.

So forgive me if I've done this all wrong. Forgive me for not being able to trust in what You are doing in my life. Forgive me for re-acting and not STOPPING. Forgive me for thinking that I alone can handle this, that I alone can suffer. Forgive me for not calling on You sooner. Forgive me my self-pity, my accusations and assumptions. Forgive me for thinking that others can help me better than You can. Forgive me for thinking that my life right now sucks because I am going through a little bit of suffering, so little compared to the cross. Forgive me for not remembering Your trials and how lovingly You withstood them; how much of an example they are for me as they are my salvation.

And the little energy You have given me to gasp for air and wake up in the middle of the night to hug my child, the next morning to converse with You, ask You for help is more than enough to keep my mouth full of praise and thanksgiving. One day I may not wake up at all.

One more day is a gift, not a guarantee.

Amen to that!

God bless!

Why We Should Suffer and Do it Right

Years ago, my uncle was murdered by his stepson. He was my grandmother's youngest and although she had no favorites, she suffered his death as if he was her only child. But I remember how forgiving she was to his stepson and his family, how she let her daughter-in-law into her home to pay her respects despite what had happened. It was an act that many didn't understand, some were even angry with my grandmother, confused, but she understood very well that in this life you will suffer. You just have to know how to do it right.

Lately I've been feeling very ill. I'm not sure what is wrong, but I am in constant pain and it hasn't been easy. In the midst of this pain, an image keeps appearing in my mind. An image that my pastor shared with me a few weeks ago and I just can't get it out of my head. Not in these exact words, but he tells me to picture a sea of crosses, people crucified and suffering on their crosses. Watch how each one suffers. Keep looking until you find Christ and witness His suffering. This is how we want to suffer; in love.

So that image has stuck, and each time I feel pain, the mental image of a mountaintop full of crucifixions appears and I roam, searching for Jesus's way to suffer.

It's never easy to look at our lives, to see what the now has presented to us and be okay with it all. It's hard to look into the eyes of the person or people that broke you and say "I forgive you." It's very hard not to judge, not to assume. It's even harder to think that this person, these people are God's children, made in the image and likeness of Him, that perhaps they too are broken and just don't know how to cope, how to suffer in love. The pastor also reminded me that even Jesus on that very cross showed pain and hurt.

Eloi, Eloi, lema sabachthani?

“My God, my God, why did you abandon me?”

—Mark 15:34 (GNT)

But He never succumbed to those feelings. Instead, He remained on that cross. He remained in His suffering.

Prior to His crucifixion, Jesus taught us that when we suffer, not to do so with a sad face, but groom ourselves and walk tall. It doesn't mean to hide what we are going through, but to find the purpose of that suffering and wear it like a badge.

Like a cross around one's neck.

I've slowly learned to look at that cross and feel my heart fill up with so many emotions. Not because He suffered and died, but because He suffered and died for me! And at first it was hard to watch, it was difficult to keep looking into His eyes, but the end result isn't the end, but the very priceless beginning of a salvation that no one can give you but Jesus. Looking up at Him on that cross began as a painful task, but is now such a moment full of sentiment, full of love.

You did that for me Jesus?

Wow.

No one has ever done that for me before.

No one.

But why are we allowed to suffer? Why does God let tragedies occur? How can He be so...mean?

Madonna said it best. "Pain is a warning that something's wrong."

Something is wrong. Something is not right with God. In this suffering, what is God trying to tell us? What is He trying to show us? Think about it.

When I am suffering through a hard day with my children, perhaps God wants me to know that my dealing with them is not working. When a child is suffering a deadly disease, perhaps God wants to bring that family closer to Him. When some one is killed, maybe God wants to show those left behind what it is to forgive.

I don't know what God reasons are for all the suffering in the world, but I do know that He has a plan to set it right and I trust in His plan.

Even if it means I may have to suffer through it.

And I may never know the purpose if I don't remain still in my suffering. If I react, if I move wildly, try to escape, I may just end up suffering again, suffering more, until He gets His point across, until He fixes what needs to be fixed, heals what needs to be healed. I have to give Him the opportunity to transform my suffering into His glory.

Because Jesus promised us that if we endured to the end we would be saved.

From the smallest pain, to the biggest affliction, from the saddest past to the hurtful, repressed memories, from the frustrating days, to the news of terrible tragedy, if I am to suffer, I should suffer like Him, full of love and forgiveness despite the whirlwind of hurt and pain. I am His and I suffer for Him, just as He suffered for me.

Take your part in suffering, as a loyal soldier of Christ Jesus.

2 Timothy 2:3 (GNT)

God bless!