Wednesday, July 1, 2015

And It's Been a While

There are times when absence seems to be the best option. It makes you rethink, revisit what you're doing. On this blog I have shared a lot of my spiritual journey. It's been real! However, I never wanted this to be a soul-venting site. I wanted to share my life. I wanted to give you pieces of me, my ups and downs, what makes me move and what stops me dead in my tracks. I feel as if I've robbed you of all that.

I've gone back to reread my posts. Those were trying times, when my faith is what kept me standing. I am truly grateful for that. While I was away, I did a lot of Jesus-searching, some days better than others. For a while there, I felt good about my life. I was becoming content with my ins and outs. There was a settling satisfaction within me that sighed a sigh of relief. I was able to look at myself in the mirror and smile. There I was, a good girl who loves her God and her family; who will continue to do good and to never trip up again. This was my mantra every morning I awoke, feeling so very proud of myself for having changed and not reverting back to the old sinful me.

But then it happened...

I began to spiral down the same paths. Same thoughts, same feelings. That dormant part of me whom I thought I had vanquished was just hiding, waiting for that precise moment of assurance and pride. I struck a blow to my "almost perfect" self, to that girl who was going down the right path but started to get boastful about it. Because I got too sure of myself I weakened and those parts of me that I thought I had control over emerged once again and I fell prey.

I messed up in real and hurtful ways.

Remember that famous scene in the movie 300, when the main guy (I never remember character names or lines, but I can allude to stuff...that means nothing, right?) kicks the enemy into what seemed like a never-ending pit shouting "THIS IS SPARTA?" Yup, that was me, being kicked into the pit, falling, falling, never to hit bottom.

And so in all this time of silence I've continued to live, but watching myself as if an audience member ad not part of the ensemble. I have to say that it's all quite chaotic and so may things have changed.

So lets start over, shall we?

Okay, here goes...

Hi! My name is Ivy. I am happily married to J. and have four beautiful kids. Zay who is my sixteen year old stepson, Liani, my ten year old daughter, Naya, my six year old little girl, and Lucas, who has just turned one. I am a Catholic who struggles so much to strengthen my faith everyday. I love the church and have grown to understand it more and more. My mom is alive and well, thanks be to God. My father deceased now for many years. He succumbed to HIV when I was eight years old. I have a half sister named Lee and I have wonderful friends whom I consider family. My husband is my love and my best friend and God knows that I don't deserve such a loving and forgiving man but he is my strength and my fortress. The Lord know I need him.

I'm not one of those woman who say I don't need a man, but I believe that doesn't make me an anti-feminist. As a matter of fact, I believe that a true feminist is the woman who recognizes the true gifts that God has given her as a woman and the talents her femininity brings to any relationship. I believe that those feminine qualities I have compliment those qualities that J. has and therefore we fit like two puzzle pieces.

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