Written on August 27, 2011:
Where do I begin?
Hurricane Irene is on its way to NYC...
and so is my husband...
and I'm hoping, praying, that along that route to the city You keep him in safety...
and bring him back home to me...
if it be Your will.
I have to trust You right? I have to hunker down like one would during a storm and rely on You as one relies on the ground beneath their feet or their arms encircling their body. But today I have been creating hurricanes in my soul. I'm soaked from all the crying, seething and angry moments, doubled-over in pain moments and all these weather systems in my little heart making huge changes in this landscape. Weathering, erosion, low tide, high tide. All for something new. Right? Clear blue skies where the rays of sun remind us of signals from heaven and that it must be from God moment on our lips. I have to trust in You.
Wonder and Awe.
Fear of the Lord.
And as we drove to mass last Sunday, through a starless night, as I passed the bend I see God's work, the moon set high like an orange orb, huge, alarming, fascinating. I was scared of the moon, scared of things I didn't even know of, elements that so ever changing, so big next to my small self and yet, I couldn't take my eyes of the moon.
I truly thought that the end of earth was near.
And I said out loud, "What better place to be, then in Your house oh Lord."
I know...silly. I was scared of a big ole, floating satellite.
Fortunately, that's not my point.
I'm learning to trust You. I'm learning to trust in the God, in the One who wore human flesh, who, although scared, trusted His Father, suffered and died for me. I trust that even with nothing but my own soul hanging by a thread that I have a place, that I have been saved, that nothing else matters but His Face, His Name, His Love.
And when you love, when your heart is loving, when your soul knows love, all fear subsides. All fear, like demons run away from that Voice.
How can I not trust a God who trusted in everything He knew was right, in a God, who continually puts His trust in me to do what I know to be right in my heart, even if I wasn't taught that way.
To trust God is to know Him, to know what He's done, what He continues to do. To trust God is to love Him with all your soul and all your might.