It's been a while.
I stopped writing for a good reason. I needed to focus on a conversation long time coming. And in the month of talking I've learned so many things about me that only He can tell me.
Who knew that someone does know everything about me; even the parts of me I forgot, or couldn't even see with my own eyes, or know with my own heart. I am personally known by Jesus.
That's a huge comfort.
Because sometimes, I don't even know myself. Sometimes I question my decisions, my motives. Why do I always do this, or what made me say that? But my little window of knowledge is small, limited, as His eyes cover the world. His love sees our hearts, listens to our fears, soothes our pain and the best part of it all is where we lack in answers, He does not.
He knows it all.
He knows me well, the good parts as well as the bad.
There's no use in hiding in the tree for He calls on us and invites us to heal. There's no use in thinking you are unworthy, too small, too inadequate, too frustrated, too angry, too hurt, too sinful to be with Jesus. He knows all this already and yet He still loves us.
I woke up on the wrong side of the bed a few days ago. I had an agenda, things I needed to get done and although having my girls will make my errand running a little bit harder, I was determined to make it happen.
So when the girls woke up, they too were crabby. My home, for the first few hours of that morning, were tense. At one point, between the dishes and the sweeping, I called out to Him, in full need of some peace. I needed His loving touch to enter into my heart, extinguish the angry fire in me and gently direct me to water.
So I took the girls to McDonald's.
You know, the one with the play-yards?
God led me there for some peace, but most importantly, He brought me there to listen to a grandfather enjoying lunch with his grandson. His face, his words, his gestures were all loving, calm and peaceful, even in that moment where he needed to reprimand. In that hour or so, I listened to this old man, seasoned with life and wisdom, impart his love to a little boy with the same energy and ambition that my girls have. He knew how to be present for his grandson, and the kid knew when to stop and listen.
I thanked the old man before I walked out. I'm sure I left him a bit confused, but in essence, I was thanking my Lord.
He led me to a lesson I needed to learn. He gave me a wonderful example to follow.
Jesus knew exactly what I needed at that moment. And He gave it to me...because I asked for it.
He knew how to gift me that moment because He knows me, better than I know myself.
And He loves me...
better than anyone can.
Don't ever say that God doesn't love you. You don't know how much He does and how willing He is to show you. His heart, like His wounds, are open, exposed, to show us how much He loves you. And like Mary, in that scene from the movie, The Passion, we need to let go of the earth, let go of what doesn't matter, what isn't true, look up, and see what is being done for you, all out of love...
despite knowing who you are, what you've done, and what you will do.